Southern Arizona Health Village For The Homeless

The news of  this innovative approach to addressing homelessness is from the Carondelet Heath Network.

Nationwide, there is a very conscious and concerted effort to end homelessness in America. From Long Beach to Fort Lauderdale there are volunteers dispatched to get an accurate census of the homeless population.

It is a bit sad to witness the population of young veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars joining in the ranks of homeless at such young ages.

Health Village for
KEY PARTNERS the Homeless
Southern Arizona Health
Village for the Homeless
brings the following groups
together for the first time to
work collaboratively toward
a common goal to end
The challenge of providing health care services to homeless individuals is an issue every community
faces. The need for housing, food, job training and other basic necessities crosses medical,

behavioral and social services lines. Tucson’s homeless population includes about 4,000 people single

men and women, teenagers and families with small children. This population has grown as the economy has declined.

Carondolet Heath Network is the facilitator bringing these key partners together.
The Southern Arizona Health Village for the
Homeless collaborative was formed to develop
an integrated system of care. The program’s
flagship effort is a 38-foot air-conditioned
RV,known as the “Van of Hope,” which is
equipped to provide mobile medical services
at sites including soup kitchens, churches and
shelters. Carondelet Health Network and two
other primary partners, EI Rio Community
Health Center and Primavera Foundation,
work together to staff the van and connect
clients to community services.
Gwen Gallegos (Carondelet Health Network
and EI Rio) and Pam Gleason (EI Rio), family
nurse practitioners with extensive experience
in community outreach and care, are sharing
the role of nurse practitioner for the Van
of Hope. Medical Assistant Megan Griffie (EI
Rio) and Care Coordinator Lety Huerta (EI Rio)
work with the nurse practitioner to provide
care and community referrals. The van is
also equipped with telehealth technology for
providing services such as teledermatology,
telewound care, behavioral
health and other consultations
• establish designated community-wide acute and
extended-care beds for homeless patients
who are discharged from the hospital.
• provide case management and social service
outreach to homeless children through school
• offer behavioral health screenings and
referral to Carondelet Health Network’s behavioral
health program with 24-hour crisis
• conduct specialized health ministry training
for churches and faith-based communities
that already help the homeless with social
The program was made possible by a grant
from an anonymous donor. In coordination with
local organizations, Carondelet Health Network
worked with Carondelet Foundation to secure
a financial commitment of $2 million from this
generous soul. The funds are payable at $400,000
a year over the next five years. This provides the
start-up funding for the staff and services offered
by the Van of Hope with the eventual goal of
creating a sustainable model of care.
• EI Rio Community Health
• Interfaith Coalition for the
• Pima Community Access
• Pima County Health
• Primavera Foundation
• Salvation Army
• St. Elizabeth’s Health
• Veterans Administration
Telemedicine technology
on the van enables remote
access to physicians and
Providing services to the
The goals of the Health
Village are to:
• reduce inappropriate
emergency visits and
inpatient admissions for
preventable conditions
that become acute due to
a lack of primary care.

After Tucson Tragedy: Veterans Grief and Healing Session

Please share this opportunity to all you know.

After the Tucson Tragedy:

Veterans’ Grief and Healing

Wednesday February 2, 2011 at 9:00-11:30

SAVA Building 90, Mental Health Clinic

Room 1200

As a service to veterans, the MHC is offering an opportunity to come together in the aftermath of the January 8 shootings. Mental Health staff will assist veterans to cope with the trauma:

1. Response to Community Tragedy

2. Describe Grief and Loss

3. Healing: Community and Individual

No appointment is needed to attend this offering.

For questions, call:

Jane Gersmeyer, CNS

792-1450-ext 5203

Mary Sabey, CNS

792-1450 ext 4252

VA Public Forum for Disability Criteria

media advisory

January 24, 2010                                                        Local Contact:  Monica Cabrera

(602) 627-2740

VA Holds Public Forum to Improve Veterans’ Disability Compensation Criteria for Certain Diseases and Injuries

VA Seeks Opinion of Veterans, Public/Private Experts

The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) is holding a public forum on January 25, 27, 31, and February 2 in Scottsdale, Arizona, to help improve the level and fairness of payments to Veterans who are service-connected for genitourinary, digestive, dental, infectious, immune disorder and nutritional deficiency diseases and injuries.

The focus of the forum is to assist VA in gathering information to update the rating schedule that the agency uses to assign levels of disability compensation for Veterans who are service-connected for these disabilities.  The agenda includes presentations by VA, DoD and private subject matter experts.

“We welcome to this public forum key stakeholders, including Veterans, Veterans service organizations, public and private health experts, health economists, and Department of Defense professionals, who will provide us with the information we need to bring the disability rating system for these particular diseases and injuries into the 21st century,” said Acting Under Secretary for Benefits Michael Walcoff.

When: Tuesday, Jan. 25, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Monday, Jan. 31, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 2, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Where: DoubleTree Paradise Valley Resort, 5401 N. Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale.

Details: For agenda information, visit:, click on Mental Health Forum, then Agenda.

NOTE: Journalists interested in attending these events should arrive 45 minutes prior to the event and provide proof of affiliation.

Military Immersion Training For Civilians



Arizona National Guard to host Military Immersion Training for civilians

PHOENIX, Jan. 25, 2011 – The Arizona National Guard is hosting a
first-of-its-kind Military Immersion Training at Papago Park Military
Reservation, Feb. 9-10. The focus of this event is to increase knowledge and
understanding of the military culture, and to equip civilian providers and
media members with a sense of the needs of military and veteran families
throughout Arizona.

Developed and conducted in partnership by the Arizona National Guard,
Arizona Coalition for Military Families, COPE Community Services, Governor’s
Office for Children, Youth & Families, and TriWest Healthcare Alliance, this
event will allow civilians to experience military life and to interact with
service members, veterans and family members.

“This is a unique opportunity to strengthen Arizona’s capacity to
serve and support its military and veteran populations by offering civilian
providers first-hand experience in the military/veteran culture,” said Capt.
Holly Brauer, one of the event’s organizers.

Civilian healthcare, behavioral health, social service, community
partners, and media representatives are welcome to participate in this
program. Doing so will broaden and deepen their understanding of the
experience by living a slice of it, said Brauer.

Planned activities include: drill practice; military occupational
specialty briefings; firsthand perspectives of service members, veterans and
family members; team building activities; physical training (modifications
will be offered for all fitness levels); military meals; briefings on key
resources; hands-on sessions with military equipment and vehicles; overnight
stay in military barracks.

Registration fees include all meals, a night of lodging and all
materials. Interested persons should contact: Capt. Holly C. Brauer at

What:  Military Immersion Training

When:       Wednesday, Feb. 9 beginning at 12:00 p.m. through Thursday,
Feb. 10 at 4:00 p.m.

Who:        Healthcare, behavioral health, social service and community
partners (to include media)

Where:      Papago Park Military Reservation, 5636 E. McDowell Rd.,
Phoenix, Ariz. 85008-3495

Visual Opportunities:

. interviews with representatives of the National Guard and planning
partners prior to event

. training activities (drill practice, early morning physical
training, equipment interaction)

. interviews with volunteers and attendees


Directions to 5636 E. McDowell Rd, Phoenix: Take I-10 to SR 143 North. Exit
on SR 143 North. SR 143 ends on McDowell Road. Take a right onto McDowell
Go to Bushmaster Blvd. Take a left at the light onto Papago Park Military
Media point of contact:
1LT Valentine C. Castillo at 602-267-2550 or 602-206-7659 /

Valentine C. Castillo
1LT, Judge Advocate
Public Affairs Officer
Arizona National Guard
PH:  602-267-2550
FAX: 602-267-2495

Marine Aaron Joshua Lawless Lied About Medals

Man Lied About Medals, Won Trip

January 18, 2011

Baltimore Sun

“After being struck in the face and head by shrapnel while on patrol in Iraq in 2005, Aaron Joshua Lawless performed first aid on a fellow injured Soldier and returned fire to the enemy from a damaged gun before being struck by an improvised explosive device, later winning a Purple Heart and Silver Star for his bravery.”

At least, that’s how Lawless recounted his time in Iraq to his employer, a Maryland gun store, and the Glock gun company, which decided to honor Lawless as their 2008 “Glock Hero,” awarding the 25-year-old and his wife a paid trip to Las Vegas, two Glock guns and a crystal glass trophy, a package worth $3,505.91.

But almost none of Lawless’ claims of valor on the battlefield are true, according to agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, who filed a criminal complaint on Thursday in federal court in Maryland.

Lawless did serve in the Marine Corps, according to his military records — but for 35 days, discharged in June 2003 for not disclosing an injury to his right knee before joining the force, the affidavit said.

And Lawless then joined the Army and served in Iraq in 2006 as a Soldier, but he was sent home in July of that year for severe headaches, the affidavit said. His military record indicates that at no time did Lawless suffer from battle injuries or receive the high-level military honors he claimed, according to an ATF agent’s interview with Lt. Col. Pat L. Kerbuski, at the time the deputy chief of staff for the 101st Airborne Division.

Agents from the ATF claim in court documents that Lawless spun a far more dramatic tale for his employer, Atlantic Guns in Silver Spring, and the Glock company. Among the injuries Lawless said he suffered: being shot in the buttocks and leg in Fallujah, getting hit by a roadside bomb in Bayji, and suffering from shrapnel in his brain from another roadside bomb, all in Iraq.

In all, Lawless said he earned four Purple Hearts, one Silver Star and two Bronze Stars for battle injuries in 2005 and 2006 while serving with the Marines and Army throughout Iraq, the documents state.

Lawless has received a summons to appear in federal court in Greenbelt on Feb. 23, said Marcy Murphy, a spokeswoman for the district attorney’s office.

The ATF agent who wrote the affidavit, John P. Cooney, declined to comment on the case, citing an open investigation.

Falsely claiming to have earned a medal from the U.S. military is a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in prison, under the Stolen Valor Act of 2005.

Steve Schneider, the owner of Atlantic Guns, said Lawless worked in his store part time throughout 2008, eventually moving back to Nebraska when his wife became pregnant. Lawless, who Schneider described as personable and a good fit with his other employees, was referred to him by the Veterans of Foreign Wars as an injured veteran stationed at Walter Reed Army Medical Center who enjoyed guns and hunting, Schneider said.

While working at Atlantic Guns, Lawless would describe how he sustained his injuries in great detail for Schneider and the store’s employees, Schneider said.

“You’re a trusting person and you just don’t question something like that,” Schneider said. “I knew he was connected with Walter Reed, I knew he was in the military.”

As an employee, Lawless worked sporadically, often unable to work because of extreme pain, Schneider said. At the time, Schneider believed the pain was due to a shrapnel injury to Lawless’ brain. In reality, the affidavit said, Lawless suffered from a pre-existing brain lesion that was removed in 2008.

Schneider said he hasn’t spoken to Lawless since he moved back to Nebraska, and learned of the alleged deceit when law enforcement officials in Nebraska contacted him last spring.

“I’m trusting,” he said. “I would probably do the same thing over again.”

A Glock representative met Lawless during a marketing event at Schneider’s store and thought he would make a good candidate for the company’s Glock Hero Award in 2008.

“Aaron Lawless,” Glock said in a biography at the time of his award, “is one of an endless list of young men and women that have answered their nations [sic] call. We feel Aaron’s story needs to be told.”

The company did not respond to requests for comment.

Since the Stolen Valor Act was signed by President George W. Bush in 2006, prosecutors have pursued a number of cases against people thought to be falsely claiming military honors. A Colorado man, Rick Glen Strandlof, claimed he had received a Purple Heart and Silver Star after being wounded in Iraq while serving with the Marines. The Marine Corps had no record of Strandlof serving, and he was arrested in 2009, the Associated Press reported. His case is still going through the courts.

Tom Davis, the department adjutant for the Maryland branch of the American Legion, said lying about military honors is akin to “stealing from your buddy in the foxhole.”

Prospective employers can verify an individual’s military service by calling the U.S. Army’s personnel and human resources division, said Gary Tallman, an Army spokesman.

“These cases are extremely regrettable but they do happen,” Tallman said. “We do have a mechanism to be able to verify awards and decorations information” and periods of service, he said.

The American Legion frequently removes individuals from its rosters who are not actually qualified for membership but somehow signed up through a local branch — such as National Guard members who mistakenly thought they were eligible, Davis said.

But never in his experience, Davis said, has he knowingly encountered someone who embellished their service the way investigators say Lawless did.

“The individual should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” Davis said. “It insults the vets who made the ultimate sacrifice and honestly earned their medals and awards.”

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Linked to Death,Atherosclerosis in Veterans/ Semper Fi Magazine

Post-traumatic stress disorder, (PTSD) more than doubles a veterans risk of death from any cause and is an independent risk factor for cardiovascular disease, according to the American Heart Association’s Scientific Sessions 2010.

The study states that doctors should offer as much preventive treatment for heart disease for clients with PTSD. The researchers, are Naser Ahmadi, MD, and Ramin Ebrahimi, MD.

The research studied the electronic medicals records of 286, 194 veterans, with an average age of 63, who are being treated at hospitals in Southern California and Nevada. The cohort group includes veterans of the Korean War.

The conclusion of the study indicated that veterans diagnosed with PTSD had 2.41 times the rate of death from all causes compared to veterans who have not experienced PTSD. Or at least not diagnosed with the symptoms. They then surmise that PTSD alone is an independent predictor of death from all causes.

Now, let Veteran Veritas  enter the picture. I cannot use the the adjective that first comes to mind for this study. So let your veteran imaginations take you there.

What I will say is that I first distrust this study because it smells of the subterranean influence of the Insurance industry that does not want to provide life insurance for the young soldiers returning from war, as a result of their pre-existing conditions —which is War!   A soldier who is diagnosed with PTSD cannot currently get life insurance. Truth.

Man is this a hard pill to swallow.

So, the citizen soldier who just defended the United States of America and our system of capitalism, the insurance industry being the very DNA of that system, can in turn not be defended by the very system they just defended.  There will  be an outcry beyond belief when this becomes known nationwide. Johnny can come marching home with ribbons of valor galore, but he cannot get life insurance if he seeks a little help for his nightmares of horific events, because he  is normal. All of the literature on PTSD indicates that, “it is a normal reaction to aberrant events.”  So, where am I going here? I believe studies like this should be scrutinized way beyond their practical value, for the core intent. I suspect that some of that intent is to have on record, medical data, to support the decline for life insurance.  Not unlike the bogus studies of a Psychiatrist named Sally Satel, who was on the payroll of the American Enterprise institute to conduct their dirty work in attempting to alter the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Psychiatry, DSM, so as to not have to award do many disability claims for PTSD, this study is akin to that effort that was suspended as a result of the incredible feedback from veterans, like this writer, who are up at night combing the net.  I will have more to say about this in future postings.

I would like to see what our readers have to say about this study and why from its initial reading it is laced with errors of science.  I will be revisiting this subject frequently over the next several months.

Next week I will be visiting with some high command at Camp Pendleton, and this topic is on the agenda.

As a footnote, many seasoned journalists have a bit of disdain for medical journalism as so much of it has hidden agendas of promotion of self and product, or is bent toward the pharmaceutical industry, meaning stockholders.

One Veterans View of Jon Justice or Whatever His Name Is

So then why do  conservative morally grounded citizens not rebuke him?
Can you imagine this man’s aberrations,  laced with some obvious adolescent development issues of his own, being in the same room with Ronald Reagan, George Will, William Buckley, George Bush Sr. or Mayor Bob Walkup? They would send him to the principal’s office.
Were his rants to be in a ramada at Reid Park, or a platform at the 4th Ave. Street Fair, the probability is high that he would be violating laws regarding the inciting of riots.  Do you think he could speak the way he does in the Armed Forces where morality and decency still reigns?
Radio talk show formats originally were collateral to campaigning, not obsessive compulsive outlets  for identity politics that curiously attract the same OCD mindset and individuals who have no other core identity. Some folks can only feel themselves in opposition.
We now must govern, not campaign 24/7.  While I am not a fan of Woodrow Wilson,  I can certainly understand what inspired him to shut down radio shows during time of war.  What end do these shows serve?
Get a library card.
I say, ask the sponsors to show some mettle and pay all these narcissists enough to go on sabbatical for 90 days and give us some time to care for our brethren.  Just 90 days, that’s all. Give us a break for 90 days, and use that time to bring to light the work of all the unsung enlightened ones in Tucson.
Talk about the transition program for returning veterans at the U of A, talk about the free retreats at the Merritt Center. Interview a different veteran everyday. Talk about healthy living issues. Create free tutoring centers for students with on air answers to questions.
Toss out the nationally syndicated hosts and give the airways to local clergy and local psychologists. It would revive the local economy and put Tucson First, which has never happened since the idea was launched.
Give more air time to sanity. Allow the likes of John Scott, a man of manners and decency, to create a new Tucson with some of the most innovative radio in the nation.
Radio has the bully pulpit. Use it for the sunum bonum, not the swamp it has become. Tucson could well become known as the city that revived radio the old fashion way–with courtesy, class and culture.

POW/MIA Issues Languish

I know this man. Mil Thornton. Airborne all the way! I too have been affiliated with the Run For The Wall. My son went with me on the ten day ride to DC, back in 2003. He claims to this day that he had never known the true nature of soldiering and the value of veterans to our nation. Ryan Brewer filmed the entire excursion which will one day be quite a collectors item.
We must never ever allow this issue to be placed on a back burner.
Hello Everyone.
I am attaching an excerpt out of the book and the website of ‘An Enormous Crime’ by Bill Henden. It is an account of the known fact that POW’s were left behind in Vietnam after Operation Homecoming and how it is a continued effort to cover up the fact by every Presidential administration since Carter. If you would like more information and are not convinced after reading these links that I’ve attached then I don’t know what it would take to convince anyone that the United States deserted our brothers in arms in Vietnam. I have read the book when it came out and continue to enlightin myself with it. I have paruzed the website for the colaborating documents that the authors put out to colaborate the infomation. This is what makes me continue the efforts with RFTW and Rolling Thunder to make our government accountable for the hundreds that did not come home with Operation Homecoming when the POW’s were released. We should never give up our fight to bring them home.
“Bring them Home
Or send us Back”

Water Contamination at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeuene, NC. Answers to Disability Claims/McClatchy News

VA to consolidate Lejeune water claims at Louisville office

By BARBARA BARRETT McClatchy Newspapers
Responding to heightened publicity and an uneven smattering of decisions on claims, the Department of Veterans Affairs will begin training a specialized cadre of workers this week to handle disability claims related to historic water contamination at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune, N.C.
The agency will consolidate claims at one office in Louisville, Ky. Eight employees there will focus on culling, researching and adjudicating disability claims related to the contaminated water.
The move is more than bureaucratic; it could prove significant to Marine veterans across the country who are suffering from cancers and other diseases that they think are related to the poisonous chemicals that flowed through Lejeune’s water from the mid-1950s to the mid-1980s.
“Great. Great!” Marine veteran Peter Devereaux of North Andover, Mass., said when he heard about the VA’s decision. “It seems they’re stepping up and trying to take control.”
Devereaux, 48, suffers from a terminal form of male breast cancer. It took him two years to finally earn service-connected disability benefits in August, and all along the way, he said, he had to explain the Lejeune water problems to VA officials.
“It felt like I had to beg,” he said. “You try to be a man. You know, I served my country. The last thing you want to say 20 years later is, ‘I need benefits.”‘
McClatchy Newspapers reported in June that the VA’s decisions on Lejeune-related claims appeared uneven and that they varied for Marines across the country. That led to questions from Congress about whether the VA was doing enough to track cases related to the contamination. Devereaux was among those who testified on the issue.
A million people – civilian workers, Marines and their family members – are thought to have been exposed to the contaminated water at Camp Lejeune, and more than 160,000 have registered with the Marine Corps to learn more about the case.
From the mid-1950s to the mid-1980s, water wells at Lejeune were poisoned with trichloroethylene (TCE), tetrachloroethylene (PCE), benzene, vinyl chloride and other volatile organic chemicals. The wells were shuttered in the mid-’80s, but many Marine veterans and their families had no idea of the contamination until Congress required the military to notify them beginning in 2008.
Bradley Flohr, the VA’s assistant director for policy in compensation and pension service, said in an interview that the agency was acting now because it had grown concerned that disability decisions hadn’t been consistent across regional offices.
“Perhaps we’re not getting as consistent decisions as we would like to have,” Flohr said. “We’ve committed to do training for staff dedicated to do these claims.”
The department found about 195 adjudicated disability claims that listed Camp Lejeune’s contaminated water as a cause. Of those, just 32 have been approved.
In September, Thomas J. Pamperin, now the VA’s deputy undersecretary for disability assistance, testified to the House of Representatives that the VA hadn’t found conclusive evidence to link the water to a host of cancers and other diseases. Instead, the VA reviewed claims on a case-by-case basis, which resulted in scattershot decisions.
Now the agency has decided to have one office review all incoming Lejeune claims. So far, about 100 new ones await adjudication, Pamperin said in an interview.
Flohr plans to travel to Louisville this week to educate workers about the exposure, the types of chemicals that were in the water and the associated diseases. He said Louisville was chosen as the central site because it was a high-performing regional office.
“We know for certain benzene is most often associated with leukemias, acute myelocytic leukemia, and others,” Flohr said. “Kidney cancer as well, with TCE and PCE, and liver cancer is associated with vinyl chloride.”
The VA’s move to consolidate Lejeune-related claims comes even as federal scientists in Atlanta continue a years-long project to understand the contamination’s health effects better. Results of water-modeling and other studies from the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry are expected in 2013, Flohr said.
The VA already had tried this year to update regional offices about the water contamination – but not always with the most up-to-date information. The agency sent a memo last spring to regional offices, but it referenced a controversial 2009 report from the National Research Council that left out significant contaminants and that epidemiologists have disputed.
Flohr said the letter was updated this past summer to include other contaminants, such as benzene and vinyl chloride.
This fall, the director of the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry sent a letter to the Department of the Navy and the Marines warning them that the National Research Council report had flaws, including leaving out certain contaminants, low-balling potential impacts of exposure to the chemicals and not fully appreciating how more scientific study would better explain the health effects of the contamination.
“Let me be perfectly clear; there was undoubtedly a hazard associated with drinking the contaminated water at Camp Lejeune,” wrote Christopher Portier, the director of the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry and the National Center for Environmental Health.
The VA also received a copy of the letter, Flohr said.
In response to congressional inquiries, the agency has begun tagging claims that list Lejeune’s water as a cause; traditionally claims have been tracked by disability, not cause.
To apply for service-connected disability, a veteran must fill out VA Form 21-526, Veteran’s Application for Compensation and/or Pension. More information is online at .
In order to have a service connection for a disability, a veteran must show that exposure to the contaminated water “as likely as not” caused the disability. That comes through what’s called a “nexus letter,” which is written by a physician and shows the connection. The veteran also could request a medical opinion from a VA doctor.
To learn more about the Marines’ registry on historic water contamination at Camp Lejeune, go to or call 877-261-9782.
Department of Veterans Affairs information on Camp Lejeune water contamination:

Department of Veterans Affairs benefits:

The Few, The Proud, The Forgotten: Camp Lejeune Toxic Water:

Camp Lejeune Historic Drinking Water:

About Camp Lejeune:

A Little Navy Levity

Thought you all may enjoy these tidbits of humor. It was sent to me by my associate friend in Pointman Ministries, Alan Kumlin, who was a Navy Seabee in Vietnam.

“How To Simulate Being A Sailor”

This is for those who either are sailors or glad they were not.

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, “Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all cans and butt kits over the fantail!”

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, “Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!”

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this “Midrats”.)

2 5. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how quickly they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at
2200, saying, “Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!” Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, “This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!”

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.