I do know that this blog does not bring forth the frothy exciting news of sports pages, but we do try to keep things anchored in the real world, and that world  is at war, presenting a sad array of issues for families, and the communities where our veterans domicile.

This material is provided by Jeremy Bourret, the son of a Marine combat veteran. Jeremy has first hand knowledge of loss in his life.

I do hope this material is received well and provides some form of consolation to our nations fallen warriors.

Death/Loss, Grief and Children, 1 of 5 or 6 documents

 

Child and Teen Developmental Grief Responses

Age 2-4

Developmental Stage/Task
Egocentric. Believe world centers around them. Narcissistic. Lack cognitive understanding of death and related concepts. Limited language skills.

Concept of Death
Death seen as reversible, as abandonment, not permanent. Common statements: “Did you know my mom died? When we she be home?”

Grief Response  
Intensive response but brief. Very present oriented. Most aware of changes in patterns of care. Asking questions repeatedly.

Signs of Distress
Regression: changes in eating and sleeping patterns, bed wetting, general irritability and confusion.

Possible Interventions
Short, honest answers, frequent repetition, lots of reassurance and nurturing. Consistent routine. Play is their outlet for grief.

Age 4-7

Developmental State/Task
Gaining a sense of autonomy. Exploring the world outside of self. Gaining language. Fantasy wishing and thinking. Initiative phase seeing self as the initiator. Concerns of guilt.

Concept of Death
Death still seen as reversible; later as avoidable. Personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common statements: “It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die.”

Grief Response
More verbalization. Great concern with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.

Signs of Distress
Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take on role of person who died.

Positive Interventions
Symbolic play using drawings and stories. Allow and encourage expression of energy and feelings through physical outlets. Talk about it.

 
Age 7-11

Developmental Stage/ Task
Concrete thinking. Self-confidence develops. Beginning of socialization. Development of cognitive ability. Beginning of logical thinking.

Concept of Death
Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible, but beginning to realize that it is final.

Grief Response
Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning.

Signs of Distress
Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.

Possible Interventions
Answer questions. Encourage expression of range of feelings. Explain options and allow for choices. Be available but allow alone time. Symbolic plays. Allow for physical outlets. Listen and allow for talk about the death.

Age 11-18

 Developmental Stage/Task
Formal operational problem solving. Abstract thinking. Integration of one’s own personality.

Concept of Death
A more “ADULT” approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of teachings.

Grief Response
Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking .Traditional mourning.

Signs of Distress
Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.

Possible Interventions
Encourage verbalization. Allow for choices. Encourage self motivation. Listen. Be available. Do not attempt to take grief away.

 

 

 

There are many feelings that we have when someone dies. It’s different for everybody. There is no right or wrong way to feel. It’s okay if you cry and it’s okay if you don’t cry. You may feel sad or angry or shocked or confused or nothing at all. You may hurt in your body or feel dizzy or tired. All feelings are normal.

Here are some things you can do to help you express your feelings. 

 
Activity:  Finish the sentences

Finish the following sentences.

The thing that makes me feel the saddest is …..

If I could talk to the person who died I would ask….

Since the death my family doesn’t….

My worst memory is….

If I could change things I would….

One thing that I liked to do with the person who died was…

When the person died I….

Since the death my friends….

After the death, school….

When I am alone….

Is there anyone you want to share this with?

————————————————————————————————————————————–
 

 

The Bill of Rights of Grieving Teens
by Teens at The Dougy Center

A grieving teen has the right….

…to know the truth about the death, the deceased, and the circumstances.
…to have questions answered honestly.
…to be heard with dignity and respect.
…to be silent and not tell you her/his grief emotions and thoughts.
…to not agree with your perceptions and conclusions.
…to see the person who died and the place of the death.
…to grieve any way she/he wants without hurting self or others.
…to feel all the feelings and to think all the thoughts of his/her own unique grief.
…to not have to follow the “Stages of Grief” as outlined in a high school health book.
…to grieve in one’s own unique, individual way without censorship.
…to be angry at death, at the person who died, at God, at self, and at others.
…to have his/her own theological and philosophical beliefs about life and death.
…to be involved in the decisions about the rituals related to the death.
…to not be taken advantage of during this vulnerable period of mourning.
…to have guilt about how he/she could have intervened to stop the death.

This Bill of Rights was developed by participating teens at The Dougy Center and does not represent “official” policies of the Center.

Warning Signs of Abnormal Grief in Children                            

 

The following are warning signals but may not warrant professional intervention unless the intensity and duration of them are excessive.

 

 

*The absence of grief—showing no emotion

 

*Acting much younger for an extended period

 

*Prolonged self blame or guilt—overly worried or anxious

 

*Aggressive or destructive outbursts

 

*Depression with suicidal thoughts or action (excessive loss of interest in or      loss of ability to do one or more of the following: daily activities/events, friends, sleep, eating, tolerate being alone)

 

*Unwilling to speak of the deceased

 

*Verbalizing only positive or negative feelings about the death

 

*Persistent dysfunction in school (drop in performance/attendance)

 

*Overly indulging in a caregiving role

 

*Prone to accidents

 

*Commencing one or several illegal acts

 

*Exhibiting addictive behavior: drugs, food, certain behavior, or activity

 

 

 

 

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